the randomness of life...

2012

Today is the last day of the first month of 2012.

For the first time in more than 10 years I decided to spend NYE with my family instead my friends. My thought process was that it would help make me realize who in my life was a positive factor and who wasn’t. 2011 was a little rough because I feel like I went through a lot of changes in friendships & I don’t want to go through it again in 2012.

So now that the first month of 2012 is officially over, I realize that for a lot of life, I put so much emphasis on making sure my friends were happy with things that I just made it work for my life. And that’s not me. When it comes to anything in life besides relationships, I’m a very honest person… I think of the best outcomes and do what seems to be the best for everyone involved. I’m a leader. I stand up for myself and am very successful. But when it comes to relationships, I always put other people’s happiness before mine. I tend to just suck it up and do what other people want because it was easier than having my own opinion. And I can’t stand that. Why should I always be the person to back down? Success in life means making yourself happy. You can’t be successful if you’re unhappy.

I think this also stems from feeling like I go out of my way to really accept people for who they are. I always think “is it killing me?” I mean, is a persons way really that big of a deal that each time they do or say something I have to show or say that their way is wrong? As a friend, you should accept me for who I am and how I am. There are things that annoy/bother us about everyone- does that mean you should tell them they need to change? If that were the case, people who are pushovers, cannot spell properly or use the correct form of a word, or followers for example would all be eliminated in my life. But that’s not realistic. Just because those things bother me, doesn’t mean I’m going to be rude to you every time you do one of those things- I’m going to accept it for who you are. In return, I’d hope you accept me for being me- extremely sarcastic, outspoken, & a leader. While sometimes it may be a lot to handle, it’s who I am. It’s not killing you, so why be mad about it? Why waste your energy on it?

I’m starting to feel emo while writing this, so I think I’m going to stop.

This week started crappy, so now it’s up to me to end it better.

What do you do when you feel you’ve outgrown people and places? Maybe outgrown isn’t the right word… Is it wrong to realize you want something more? Does that make you a bad person because you don’t want to settle, yet everyone around is content? What are you supposed to do when you’re so far off from everyone else it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever be in the same place again? At what point do you stop being the understanding one who tries to make everyone happy when it isn’t reciprocated the same? How do you handle it when even the people closest to you leave you? How long do you stand in the background, only to be acknowledged when times are bad?